tearjerker

My grandpa beckoned me to his room just now, and passed me a bunch of keys to try to unlock a cupboard that has been sitting in his room untouched for years.

The keys felt a little greasy, and the overpowering smell of medicated oil in his room explained everything. I tried, but the keys won't fit. I passed them back to him, and he went to his drawer to find the keys. His eyesight's failing him these days (or rather, years), so he had to feel around the drawer, as if groping in the dark. I reckon that he can only perceive shadows of his surroundings now, and probably won't be able to see much half a meter away.

I caught sight of another bunch of keys, and tried those too. They didn't work. So my grandpa handed me the first set of keys again, to let me confirm again. I almost shrugged the keys off, before i realised there was a key i hadn't notice earlier. So i tried again. It did work, silly me.

Then, he instructed me to open another locked drawer at the bottom of the cupboard. I studied the interior of the cupboard, since the last time i had a close look was probably when i was smaller than ten. There was nothing much inside, only a rattan fan, some old clothes, and a quaint-looking ornament.

I unlocked the drawer, managing to do so at the first attempt this time. There were small booklets and two copies of certificates, all aged and yellow. Those were copies of passports and identity documents used in the early years of Singapore, i presumed. In one of the booklets, i caught sight of the photo attached to it - my grandfather in his twenties. I handed them to him, not knowing until then what exactly he was looking for.

During the progression, i felt tears welling up, cued for by some inexplicable factors i somehow had no control over.

Was it the rattan fan, my late grandma's favourite? I remember when i was young, i would use the fan too. Occasionally, i'd fan for my grandma. And she would fan me to sleep while i rest my head on her lap. To date, nothing triggers my tears faster and as effortlessly as whenever i think about my grandmother. It never fails to do so, every time.

Or could it be how old-school the cupboard is? (They don't make cupboards like that anymore.) And how i used to see my grandma open it every so often to store her stuff in the past?

Or was it my grandpa's black-and-white photograph of him? When he was young and robust, with no indication that he would one day be frail and vulnerable, and so precariously on the verge of blindness.

It could even be the summation of all of the above, producing a tearjerking effect too formidable to resist. I don't know.

Old age is so dreary. I want Peter Pan Syndrome to last.

And i miss my grandma. Very.

ps: I didn't cry; i'm not the crybaby you probably think of me. Just saving up my tears for the next time i reminisce again.

night.walk

So i waited at the bus-stop for the bus that never came. I was certain that i was safe, with the last bus arriving half an hour later, according to the board at the bus-stop. But i was deceived, and ended up waiting like a fool for half an hour.

Then, the lights went out on me. It was almost like an omen, but i shrugged it off. I held on to my belief there would still be other buses coming. One finally came, and i hopped on.

It didn't drop me off straight at the doorsteps to my house, of course; the one i had been waiting for, would have. Nevertheless, it was good enough. I alighted at the interchange at Hougang, and continued the rest of the journey home on foot. Sure, i could have just cabbed home, but i was more than certain that the midnight charges would not go easy on my already under-nourished wallet.

Whilst the interchange is considered pretty near my house, it is still more than a stone's throw away. The walk home was pleasant, though. I appreciated the tranquility in the dead of the night, a far-cry from the hustle and bustle in the day; the slumbering city is alluring in its own way.

The streets were mine, solely. Almost. There were other wanderers as well, but i took little notice of them, even as they slunk away on their own ways.

There was a gentle night breeze, which accompanied me for most of the journey. It kept me from perspiring, which would probably have dampened my mood at least a little. And the gentle rustling of leaves augmented the soothing effect of the songs playing on my iPod.

I liked it.

I think i'll engage in more of such leisure saunters, in the dead of the night.

ugly inside

I headed home from school slightly later than usual today, after a meal at NP. It was already peak period when i board the bus, but i managed to get a seat (thankfully, because i had intended to take a nap). I couldn't get to sleep though, and people-watched instead. It got boring after awhile.

Then, i spotted an elderly man board the bus, standing at a spot several seats in front of mine. I was contemplating if i should give up my seat, cause the bus was really packed, and he'd have difficulty jostling his way through. I finally decided that precisely since it was jam-packed, i couldn't let him get sandwiched and have him stand throughout the bumpy ride.

So, i stood up and waved to get his attention, before asking him to take my seat. I had a bit of a hard time getting out, and was thoroughly relieved that i did not accidentally tread on somebody's foot.

I turned to see if the old man was managing his way through. But guess what? While he was moving towards the seat, this eff-ed up lady moved in swiftly after me and took the seat! The poor guy was just about three seconds late. Luckily, someone else nearby saw this, and gave up his seat too.

I took a good look at the woman, probably in her twenties. She was rather well-dressed, but really, garments can only do so much. Like, she was ugly inside, and no amount of outfits or adornment can conceal that. She was completely nonchalant about it, but i guess it takes someone with really thick hide to commit such a selfish act in the first place.

It was not as if i hadn't expressed my intention for the elderly man to take my seat. I would have been mad at myself if i'd left my seat silently, and let my purpose go misunderstood. It was such an explicit invitation to the old man! Not her, that cow.

She was really unbelievable.

Unbelievably ugly.

说谎

我哪有说谎 请别以为你有多难忘

笑是真的 不是我逞强。

我没有说谎 是爱情说谎

它带你来骗我 说渴望的有可能有希望。

Awesome, 林宥嘉.

Can't wait.

zzZZzzZZzz

I can feel the fatigue right to my bones. I can feel the sleepiness, sitting under my eyebags.

I'm supposed to be studying. But i'm succumbing to the Z-monster. Would i be able to wake up early enough tomorrow morning?

I'm not getting any more adept at juggling school and work. Now, before i drop any of the balls...

Test tomorrow. Help.

getting somewhere.

I went to NLB the other day, since i had free time in my pocket. It was after school, and dinner with the 3105 mafs was going to be hours later. I decided against going home and then coming out again; it was too much of a hassle, aside from being a waste of time. I tried to look for useful texts for my units, but found out that most of them are classified under the reference section. I found nothing for bedtime reading too, not that i have the luxury of doing any lately. So i headed to the study lounge at Level 5, and was fortunate to find a space for myself.

I spent the remaining time solving a particular tricky math question i did not manage to complete during lecture. I was trying out an alternative method to solving it, but couldnt derive the same terms as the suggested answer. Thankfully, i managed to arrive at the answer before pulling out all my hair. Which i was very close to doing, really. It had been close to three years since i've seriously done math, and i'd almost forgotten the satisfaction that comes with successfully solving tough questions. There was an uplifting effect that lasted... half an hour. Oh well, not exactly like chocolates, but it was a great feeling all the same.

浴室是一个好奇妙的地方。那里，灵感像从莲蓬头涌出来的水一样源源不绝。在浴室里的你我， 可能也是自己觉得最自在的时候。

I think i'm finally heading somewhere.

many updates

The birthday came and went. It's getting even more uneventful by the years. But i did receive useful presents this year; ang baos, crumpler laptop bag and a wallet which arrived right on cue to replace the one that was recently lost.

It was heartwarming to receive all the birthday messages and wall posts, even from friends i've not been contacting as much as i'd like to. I've thanked everyone separately (i don't think i missed out anyone, did i), but i'd like to thank one and all again here.

Hmm, but you did forget afterall. Oh well.

I don't feel any more 21 than i ought to. Nothing's changed, and i think that is a fortunate thing. I don't know about you, but Peter Pan syndrome can be quite a good thing. Well, if it's not making it harder to get a girlfriend, that is. I strongly suspect that i look too much of a young boy to the girls out there, making me an immediate strike-off from their potential boyfriend list. Well, at least i'm matured(and getting more so, i hope) enough.

I thought i'd have a good rest on my birthday week, as a treat, so i did not roster myself for work. It wasn't eventful, as i mentioned, i don't even recall how i spent it.

Then, all the school work came crashing down on me. There was (is) really a lot to catch up with, and keeping a part-time job is no excuse for not committing sufficient time on my studies, i know. I tried my best to do some catching up, and there were fruitful moments, amidst all the distractions and fatigue. It felt real good to clear the assignments one by one. There is still a lot more to keep up, but i try not to think of it.

And i've passed my guided tour assessment! I was doing last minute cramming on the night before, and only managed to memorise the script after midnight. Lucky the lack of sleep did not take a toll on my memory during the assessment, though my nerves got to me. I wasn't too sure i'd pass, since i stuttered now and then. It was a huge load off my back; i was apprehensive about spending time memorising again for re-assessment should i have failed. But i'm glad i did pass. Pheeww!

Working over the Hari Raya weekends was fun. Since it was super peak period, we were kept real busy, but it was enjoyable all the same.

Last update for today. I finally got to settle the replacement of my IC and driving license, and i shopped around after i was done. Curiously, i visited a couple of the new malls, Orchard Central and Ion. Checking out malls seems to be only natural when you're a secondary school or JC student. I've had little time/chance to hang out with anyone in the past few months. Anyway, i spent quite a bit on expanding my wardrobe selection, so that i would not have to spend so much time every morning, inventing new combinations of clothes from the limited pile, or trying to recall what i've worn to school recently to avoid repetition. I think i'd go shop for more, when i can find the time. But before that, i'd have to rid my cupboard of all the clothes i hardly wear, cause it's taking so much space i have to seriously dig for clothes all the time.

Till the next update!

ps: I have no idea what's wrong with my tagboard. And i'm lazy to fix it.

kinda too late to throw a party

Just a day before the big day, and nope, i have not sent out any fancy invitation cards and whatnot.

I did consider thoroughly whether to throw a party or not, and Marianne did a good job at tempting me to have one. My brother suggested too, a few days after i've confirmed with Marianne that i won't be organising a bash. That roused my temptation again, but my laziness prevailed. It always does; i'm almost proud of it.

I'm lazy to crack my brains deciding where to hold the event, what sort of entertainment to provide, and all the nitty-gritty details. I'm lazy to have to send out invitations to all my friends, from primary school all the way up to army days (Yes, i know a solution is to be selective and pick only certain small groups of friends, but i dont believe in holding exclusive birthday parties. All my friends are significant in their own respect.) And then, i'm lazy to have to consolidate the attendance (I know again, that facebook makes life easier on this, but i notice that the "awaiting reply" list is usually the longest.)

Sad to say, i'm also worried about the turnout. I imagine there would be few people attending, pitifully few. Yeah, i know this fear is fictitious and unnecessary, but it's always a possibility right?

So yes, i'm not throwing a birthday bash for my 21st.

To all: if you're nice enough and want to meet-up, contact me!

Haha, and i include my current wishlist, to save all of you from having to think much:

#1: ipod touch accessories, eg. screen protector.

#2: crumpler's school hymn 13" (green).

#3: clothes, shirts and pants and all. my wardrobe is a joke, and definitely limited.

#4: wallet. since i just lost mine yesterday.

#5: external hard disk, at least 500GB. haha, demanding, aren't we?

#6: meet-ups with friends. priceless.

..did i mention clothes?

Alternatively, you may wish to contribute to the QC funds, that would be good. In case the kind soul fails to show up, i would need to replace all my cards that i lost along with the wallet. Replacement fees are going to take up a month's pay. =(

Ok, i feel immensely immodest to solicit by putting up the wishlist above. Oh well. All in the name of saving you guys the trouble to think.

I like surprises too. And really, i've never felt the need for presents to be costly. It's definitely the thought that counts (see #6.) So, no need to feel obliged to adhere to the list, ya?

Hah! Like anyone of you would feel "obliged to".

Cheers!

re-ignite

I thought I've gotten over it, but it re-ignited with a bout of heart-pounding. And not relenting still, 25 minutes later.

Should i keep my hopes sky-high, or make a turnaround when i'm still sober?

I was this close to giving up. This close. And you had to haul me back to square one.

Sidetrack: Since it's been long since i've blogged, i think i ought to give some updates.

#1: I've finally switched to Mac. And definitely loving it. My mbp is my new baby. (This is the first post on my mbp. Woohoos!)

#2: School's fine. I'm not spending enough time on my studies though. Shall cut down on my working hours.

#3: I just lost my wallet today, most probably in campus. But i have no idea when it slipped out of my pocket. I tried to retrace my steps, back to the lecture room and all. No wallet. Please let a kind soul pick it up and return it to me.

And, it's still pounding.. 1 hour!

Some Observations

On the train, back home from work, i didn't take a nap as i'd usually do. Instead, i indulged in people-watching, which wasn't fruitful at all today. The only slightly interesting character i've noticed was this remarkable elderly man who darted into the carriage with agility, speed and vigour that would put youngsters nowadays to shame. After he had victoriously claimed his throne, i saw on his face signs of utmost relief and a sense of self-justification. No doubt it wasn't a shameful act (well, not entirely), but his expression seemed to indicate otherwise.

What caught my attention most was the sulk on his face. You know, how some people have such a negative outlook on life, so much that it shows on the exterior? Give them a few years to cultivate that kind of negativity, and it will reflect on their faces as permanent sulks. That was the kind of sulk i saw on that man's face. Whether intentionally (to deter people from messing with him), or unknowingly (a careless negligence to maintain a pleasant disposition and appearance), it was there to stay.

I got home, too lazy to buy some food, yet too hungry to ignore my stomach any longer. I decided to have some bread for dinner, since i am no culinary expert and my house is simply devoid of food that is ready-to-eat, or at least, easy to prepare. The baguette loaf that i bought a couple of days ago had hardened, so that it was very much like i was eating rocks. But i was really too hungry to care. I don't suppose there are better storage methods that would tackle this problem, are there?

And then, i almost fell asleep, standing by the basin and waiting for the kettle of water to boil. I brewed some green tea, but it did little to invigorate me. I'm drawing nearer to concluding that i am immune to the stimulating effects of caffeine.

I might really have slimmed down, as Naf had pointed out the other day at Sonia's birthday bash. Either that, or i've not worn my pair of jeans for so long that i forgot how loose-fitting it is. My jeans was slipping down my butt with every step i take. If i hadn't pulled it up after every three steps, i'm positive it would eventually drop to my ankles. I don't remember having so much trouble with my jeans on previous occasions though. High time to buy fitting jeans, for once; i've been meaning to, but i just couldn't find the time.

I hope that Naf was wrong. If you have eaten with me, you'd know how tremendous my appetite is. But i still can't seem to beat my metabolism. Trust me, i'm working hard at gaining weight.

Help me. Stuff me up.

note to all

Hello all,

I think I have no life. Can you save me?


Thanks
QC

applying brake

I need to reconsider my life.

My inner voice has been trying to tell me that I'm not doing it right. I have to heed it this time; I've been turning a deaf ear on it for far too long.

Now, where should I start..
[please remind me not to procrastinate on this.]

king of?

I'm the king of procrastination.

I remember there were many things I'd wanted to blog about, but didn't. So many I've forgotten most of them by now.

Like the Taiwan trip last month? It was awesome, and I really wanted to record everything down- the places we visited, the curious things we saw, the thoughts I had, and the highlights of the trip. But oh well, it is already a month since I got back from the trip, let's forget about blogging the details, shall we? Anyway, just for my own sake in the future when I want to reminisce: Mr. J, Mr. Qute, pandas, wooden guitar, shopping spree, night markets, keep-to-the-right, walking down the small alley back to hotel after dark on every night.

There were quite a lot of other things I'm missing out, other than the trip. Can't remember though.

In my defence, it was not entirely out of pure laziness (though it's undeniably the main culprit) that I failed to update my blog. There was my part-time job, remember? It took up quite a big proportion of my July.

And I have to work tomorrow! And on every non-school day for the rest of this month. Which means I'm actually spending much more time working than studying. Talk about full-time studies, part-time job.

I'm the king of procrastination, really. I just mentally ran through my to-do list, and recalled tasks I was supposed to complete a couple of months ago. I hope I'd be able to find time to clear off these bad debts, but the prospects are not looking great since I'm bogged down with school and work.

I've jotted down the to-do list on a piece of paper. If I can manage to keep the paper well, and submit myself to self-discipline, I should be able to accomplish all of them. Erm, soon..


Lastly, Happy National Day!

ps: maybe i'll catch the fireworks on the gondola after my shift.

our soundtrack

As I hear the soundtrack, I feel like you're beside me once again. As though I'm back in the cinema theatre, and you're sitting next to me, with only the armrest in-between us.

At some point of time during the show, our arms brushed gently against each other. And then, I was reassured that it was all real, not just a dream.

It was so long ago, yet I could remember so vividly how it felt. The bliss, the urge to turn around to gaze at you instead of the big screen. It was real, and surreal at the same time.

Like right now, I can't distinguish between real and surreal, my definitions significantly blurred.